Administratium

(via Gemmology Queensland, Vol.5, No.6, June 2004) Steve Sorrell writes:

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered. The element, tentatively named Administratium , has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally occur in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years. At this time it doesn’t actually decay but instead undergoes reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increased after each reorganization.

Researchers at other laboratories indicated that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as universities, government agencies, large corporations, and schools. The element can be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results are not promising.